Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.
‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’
‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’
Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn’t tell his mom which one he intended to marry.
After the four women left, he asked his mother, “Can you guess which one I want to marry?”
“The one with short hair.”
“Yes! How’d you know?”
“Because that’s the one I didn’t like.”
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he cries, “Careful! You are cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!
The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?”
Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
One morning I found a beautiful long-steamed rose lying by the kitchen sink. Even though the flower was plastic, I was thinking how, after all the years we had been married, my husband could still make such a wonderful romantic gesture.
Then I noticed a love note lying next to it. “Dear Sue,” it read. “Don’t touch the rose. I’m using the stem to unclog the drain.”
I was attending a wedding ceremony when my five-year-old son asked, “Mum, why does the bride always wear white gown?” I answered that that’s because it was her happiest day.
He then followed up with a second question, “Why does her groom wear black?” This time, I just smiled back.
Sitting in a packed cinema, two ladies in front of me were talking loudly, preventing me from hearing the soundtrack properly. Tapping one lady on the shoulder, I said, “Excuse me, I can’t hear!”
Her reply was, “I should think not. This is a private conversation.”
Says the doctor to the patient after the physical examination: “You know, you came to me at just the right moment.”
“Oh no!” says the patient. “Is it that serious, doctor?”
“Quite the opposite,” replies the doctor. “One more day, and it would have healed by itself.”
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
At the busy dental office where I work, on patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?”
“No,” I told him. “We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic.”
He arrived early.
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
“And how long have you worked here?” asked the woman.
“Three hundred years.”
